Vulnerable

Vulnerable. That’s the word, even if I won’t admit it.
My silent, secret fear.
The dinner guest I don’t mention.

How do you spell it?
The elephant in the room?
W-e-a-k-n-e-s-s or at least that’s how I do.
No, asking you isn’t an avoidance tactic.

It’s the third wheel so we’re never r e a l l y alone.
Awkward silences and sneaked glances to see if you’ve noticed.
I don’t want to admit defeat, but I’m being worn down.
And you don’t seem to have changed a bit.

Letting someone past the battlements of my castle
Has me thinking “Trojan horse” till it’s a chant.
I’m a double agent; playing the model lady
While I break down all your possible motives.

James Bond never had to deal with things like this.
I’d rather stop a nuclear holocaust than let someone in.
Intimacy is my Dr. Strangelove, suspicion my Q.
Up against my arch enemy, I’m running out of places to hide.

Because secretly even the untouchable James Bond wants to belong to someone.
Be it for an evening, for a month, for a year, for a lifetime.
And if he can’t hold out, what chance do I have?
Although, just because he can acknowledge it, I can’t.

Superman even had Lois Lane, but if you notice,
She cut through his defenses quicker than kryptonite.
Sampson and Delilah, Antony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet.
More fine examples of the dangers of becoming a pair.

Am I the only one who thinks letting someone in
Is tantamount to giving them a map of your defenses?
I’ve got more evidence piled up in droves,
But that’s a different story—its personal testimony.

Stripped bare of my personas and puffed up airs,
I’m just a girl who’s afraid of someone getting in.
Because what could they possibly see that would make them stay?
See, I’m not bitter; I just focus on not getting to the leave taking motions.

The part where they decide “you’re not what I want”
Then vanish on the wind, taking the joy with them.
By standing alone, I don’t get used to someone shouldering half the weight,
Only to be dropped on my face when it’s mine alone again.

Vulnerable. That’s the word.
What it’s called when you let someone in.
It’s also what you feel like when someone walks out.

reflection/free will

looking into the mirror
i dissect what i see.
too this, too that.
more tit, less fat.

not a fan of my reflection,
my eyes agree we should see other people.
i'm grateful we decided to,
because seeing the hate and wickedness depresses me properly.

seeing that i'm not the only one,
the only victim of free will.
free will seems like a gift,
but really it just gives us a license to screw everything up.

even if we don't do it single-handedly, we'll tag team it up;
we all have different degrees from the university of
"don't get mad, get even"-- i've even got a minor in "idgaf"--
so there's to be expected some turbulence on this flight.

we like to decide how each other gets to react,
trying to save the trouble of feeling things out.
we'd rather jump to conclusions and jump down throats.
if we're not doing that then we're expecting too much.

some of us like to forget, pretend, whatever
that finding another person fixes your problems--
but no booboo, that's on you.
its YOUR shit, regardless of me and mines.

whether i follow your plan, or you skim mine,
what's yours is still yours and what's mine is still mine.
although that won't stop us from wishing for a trade.
your load seems lighter, my load seems funner.

ooh, pride will be the one to bury us all.
"anything you can do, i can do better"?
more like "i can fuck my shit up faster than you can".
to admit we're wrong is like defeat so we hold back.

that's how it is behind the veil,
then we're waist deep in some shit we can't wade through.
we've got too many "yes"'s and "don't"'s, "maybe"'s and "won't"'s,
its no wonder we get so much wrong.

frankly, being a human being sucks.
we get higher thinking, emotional range and the ability to multitask?
no wonder we're an array of tragic messes,
a smorgasbord of insecurities from comparing to ourselves.

strangely, realizing that i'm in no way, shape or form
the only one in shambles, it's cathartic.
i can leave the mirror smiling thinking as i walk away
"at least i'm me, and not one of those guys."

Chance and Gamble

Wrapped in a cocoon of sheets
Waiting for metamorphosis to engage.
Hoping, wishing, praying, but all the while
Knowing it won't change a thing.

Things changed, no doubt, when we set to burrowing.
Preparing to hibernate while tangled together.
We can't go back-- why would we?
Except to get back what we threw away.

We took a chance and shorted ourselves.
Gambled when we should have folded,
Lost when we went all in.
Can't go back-- or do you wish we could?

When our fingers brushed on their way into the others hair
A spark made us jump-- a warning.
One we mistook for a go ahead signal.
We ignored all the signs and dove into each other.

All the while we knew once the sun rose we'd hide from the truth.
The cocoon will open to spill out our mess of emotions to spite us.
We can't take it back-- why would we?
Except to go back to where we knew what to do.

We took a chance and lost ourselves.
Gambled when we knew we couldn't win.
Lost it all when we played the hot streak.
Can't take it back-- or do I wish we could?

We had a chance and a gamble,
No one could fault us for that,
But once we actually played to the odds,
We were doomed from the start.

untitled...

I've never been good at happy poems.
Just like, I suppose, how I'm no good at happy times--
Always looking for the signs we're sliding into bad blood,
Sabotaging it if we don't when I feel we ought to.

Do I do it so I can write about it?
Or do I write like this because it's all I can pull from?
Once the thrill of something good and new fades,
Apprehension slithers in and smothers any hope.

Doubt's long fingers wrap around my resolve
Slowly strangling, crushing, obliterating gleeful thoughts.
With love comes paranoia, holding hands frolicking about;
Together driving me mad as I fall deeper.

I can kick my heels up here, knowing it's crashing down round my ears.
Relax knowing my attempts at sabotage finally set me free.
Waiting, waiting, w a i t i n g for this point was wearing me down.
Crumbling and blowing away is our shot-- and I can breathe easy.

Knowing now your words and actions can't have a hidden secret agenda,
I loosen up because there's no need to translate you for honesty.
This will be the freest you've seen me, now it's all on the table;
Dangling over the abyss of uncertainty no longer, I'm the shining bit that caught your eye again.

Because that's my cycle; I'm a relationship phoenix.
Vibrant until I start to care, until you start to really matter.
Then I become wary-- watchful and secretly suspicious.
I fade as I question your affections-- after all I'm only me.

You may start to lose interest at this point, seeing my dull coat
I don't blame you; I've already assumed you have by now.
I untangle myself from the connections we've made or I've invented,
Feeling vindicated I goad the break down so I may burst into final flames.

Finally free again, I can just enjoy what's left of our company.
Goodbyes I'm great at-- especially ones orchestrated by my antics.
Aflame, though, I'm the golden beacon you were originally drawn to.
You're entranced by my flourishes, my leave taking motions.

I've caught your eye again, so you lay on the charms.
Ever so susceptible, I play into your words.
Taking your lead and passing it back amidst my with, thinking we're past playful romance.
Until, before I know it, I'm ensnared and my phoenix is in your cage again.

This is my vicious cycle, forever playing with fire.
I've been burned sure, but I have brought most of it on myself.
I see it all now, after all hindsight has to be good for something, right?
Surely, happiness is only the enemy if I make it so.

Doubt won't make my heart it's summer home any more,
I can't let it snuff out all the baby blooms of joy I've manage to nurture.
Apprehension is a permanent citizen, sadly, but we'll take baby steps to evict it.
And here's hoping the next time I set myself on fire...

I burn the damn cage with me.

Going away.

I'm leaving town,
Waved "good riddance" and got in the car.
Not sure when I'm headed back--
Or matter of fact, where I'm headed.
 
Can't say I'm sad to see the signs
Pointing me away.
Didn't bother to say my goodbyes in person;
I don't want you to ask me to stay.
 
I've got to get the taste of something new,
To jump start the bittersweet stale taste stuck in my mouth.
The open road will be a salve for my eyes,
Over worked from staring at the same places, same faces.
 
The repetition isn't enough for me anymore.
I'm tired of this same song and dance with the too few players.
In another place I can be someone new.
Not another filler because this cast has gotten too small.
 
You know, that's just it.
This place is too small;
Too full with everyone's wants and wishes.
Not enough room for mine nor me.
 
I need to spread my wings,
And all that cliched shit about getting free,
Of shaking the dust of a past you can't escape,
Of a present weighing heavy on your head.
 
Once I'm some place new,
I'm gonna shine bright.
Once I've kicked the ball and chain of expectations,
I'm gonna dance on the wind.
 
So you see, I've got to get anywhere else and in a hurry.
I've got a full tank and a good sense of direction.
That way I can come back this way after a spell,
And show you how once I stopped letting this place cripple me, I soar.

trainwreck

there's little to be said for falling in love.
it's dangerous, it's scary, it's tricky and such.
i've even been told
"to love someone more than yourself is little more than murder."

there's plenty i've heard about falling out of love.
it's painful, drawn out and will scar.
my heart will be in pieces, and i won't know which way is up.
"all good things come to an end", well fuck that shit, this blows.

i hadn't agreed to sell my soul
and i certainly didn't think love would be like that.
i don't wake up crying, but some nights end like that.
driving seems to help, but i don't stand a chance when i hear a train.

i've heard love described some ways,
its amazing, its devastating.
but never like a train, which is what i find its most like.
someone coming to you or just passing through.

the bellow it makes echos in my soul,
it reminds me of the wrenching i passed.
but the hope it also brings makes me tear up.
its the sound of someone moving on, passing through.

i've become like that train, moving ever forward.
love tripped me up, but it didn't push me off the tracks.
that horn is me shouting "here i come"
love sure did a number but honey i'm speeding through.

love for me was like a train in the night.
it lit everything up real bright, showed me its might.
then sped right past, leaving me at the tracks.
i was left dizzy and my night vision was shit.

but after a little while i tripped on my way off the tracks,
but i found my own way off.
i considered sticking out a thumb,
seeing how far away from the tracks i could get.

i hitched a ride and closed my eyes
trying to block the trip i'd taken.
but it didn't match the power of what i'd been on.
so i asked to be dropped off at the next station.

being back at the tracks brings flashbacks
flashbacks of my trainwreck-- our trainwreck.
then a train passed, wailing and brutal.
it reminded me of the ups and downs of our ride.

i reasoned i could feel terrible because my train crashed,
but i would rather remember the exhilaration of it all.
standing on the tracks i'd rather smile than weep.
i look from my perch and watch the cars stop and go past.

not everyone gets to feel that rush,
or feel the call of it in their soul.
so i gather up my courage,
and run on my own down the tracks.

Closing The Distance

All I can think of is the inch between our fingers.
How far I'd have to go to cross it.
The mile of current between us is
So distracting, discouraging, disappointing.

Then as if you know my plight,
You fix those beautiful eyes on me
And it goes straight to my heart.
With your smile, I'll tackle the Strait of Gibraltar.

You're encouraging me to bridge the gap,
I'm begging you to do it with me.
Like two people meeting halfway on a crosswalk.
Then your fingers brush mine and I'm on fire.

Did you know you hold a sun inside you?
That you fill me with it when I touch you?
We have everything we'd need to set the world on fire.
I just wish I was sure you see it in me too.

I look at you and see it-- in all it's glory.
When you see me, do you take it all in?
Can you sense the passion, purpose and peace within me?
Or does it end at the curve of my face and the shape of my eyes?

When you crossed the city blocks to touch my hand,
Did you feel the distance too,
And decide you would cross it for me-- for us?
Did you care because you needed to feel my touch?

Give me a sign-- shout it to the sky.
I'll give you everything of mine.
We could love like never seen before.
Or I can move away another inch, block, mile-- and feel nothing inside.